January 26, 2026

i took a girl i had a crush on along for a road trip to see this band i like called chastity. we drive a couple towns over in my red mom car and we get coffee on the way. every proper canadian road trip has to involve coffee from tim hortons for some reason. 

we drive through small towns and rural areas and pass an old farm house with a pile of junk at the end of the driveway marked “free”. 

“can we stop?”, she asks. 

yes. a thousand times yes. 

there’s a sketchy looking guy talking to himself piling up random objects. she picks up a statue of guan yin she finds amongst the pile. it is completely filthy and looks like it’s been kept outside in the rain for many years. 

“i want this for my altar”, she says. 

i shrug and agree. she was one of those witchy girls who like incense and weed and crystals and tie dye. we went to crystal shows and pow wow and i liked her a lot because she accepted my brokenness at face value and didn’t ask me to be anything else.  i have come to learn that this is something intoxicating for me. fuck a first date and flowers – i want you to witness me and decide to stand with me in it anyways. i want you to see me and be unafraid. face me down like a buffalo turning its face to the storm. 

we held hands in the park once, she and i. 

she pulls a lamp out of a box. she needed one for her apartment because her ex had moved out and taken almost everything good. so she adopted this hideous fucking lamp out of an old box from a guy who was ranting to the heavens seemingly unaware we were even there and scavenging through his things like flies set upon some carrion. 

i find an antique frame and i take it home with the lamp and the guan-yin. i meant to put a photo of her inside it and give it to her as a gift but she stopped calling me when she met a guy who wanted to be present for our hangouts. 

i told her i didn’t need a chaperone and we never spoke again. 

i gave the frame away on facebook marketplace because it hurt to look at. an artsy punk chick came and got it, amazed i was giving something like that away for free.

there was bitterness in my throat when i gave it to her and made up some story about how it didn’t fit with my vibe. i didnt tell her that it hurt to look at and made me feel foolish. 

the statue of guan yin got left in the trunk of my car. i smashed it in the parking lot. 

i used a broom and dust pan and cleaned up the filthy lavender fragments because i don’t like people who litter.  i will clean up my own mess. 

i havent listened to chastity since.