January 30, 2026

there was once three aquarius birthdays in my family

my grandfather on january 28

he was a german man who came to canada during the war and adopted my mother

not my biological grandfather but the one who raised me up, raised my mother before me

he liked cannabis brownies and ancient aliens and books about history

he rode a motorcycle and worked at the sanatorium on the edge of town

he died frightened and alone during covid at the hospital where icouldn’t see him

but they let me in to see his body after and they called it mercy and said i should be grateful but i felt no gratitude

i did not get to say goodbye

he raised me and i couldn’t say goodbye

then january 29 is me, my mothers breech born daughter

i was supposed to be born on valentine’s day but i guess i hated hallmark from the womb because i kicked my way out in the early morning hours after the challenger shuttle exploded and killed everyone on board

some cultures say that how children come into the world indicates how they will be in life

i came backward and i live backward 

i came with my face turned to the spirit world

unwilling to leave, dragged through samsara once again

then january 30 was my father

he always said i was his early birthday gift

his only daughter 

the tiny little thing that looked like his mother, and his kokum

he said i was wild like his kokum too

my father liked beer and pickup trucks 

liked the canucks and drumming 

he was a deeply thoughtful man, a union shop steward passionate about workers rights

he wrote a speech once

grandfather died first

three aquarians became two

then my father died

influenza ripped through him

and he fought valiantly 

he fought bravely 

and he died anyways 

then two aquarians became one

and i am sandwiched inbetween two birthdays

that only occur in heaven now

i blow out my birthday candles thinking about death

and this seems a very aquarius thing to do

the lone aquarius