something has shifted, again.
i don’t yet have the words for what, don’t yet fully know why or how it happened so fast.
it makes me feel strange and new and there’s a humming i can hear but maybe it’s only me.
things have slowed down.
i realize how angry i am.
i realize the rage and the sorrow.
i realize that i am surrounded by small annoyances and large ones too – things that test my patience and my will and my faith.
i am and we are surrounded by an increasingly false world filled with false gods and false promises and i am succinctly aware of how much i want out.
i am and we are surrounded by advertisements – flyers and jingles and influencers and social media. i want to look at art and someone is selling something to me. i want to fuck and there’s an article telling me how, how to wax my pussy and please my man and look good in a sports bra crop top pastel leggings matching set business casual girl boss girls girl girl world way and i hate it.
there’s grocery store flyers advertising bananas made by chatgpt. did you need ai to advertise bananas? what the fuck are we doing?
i see the worst people in kamloops calling themselves gurus and coaches and mental health advocates. im sure you advocate for mental health – was that before or after you told me my fat friend should kill herself for the i guess crime of being fat. im sure what you have to say on the subject of mental health must be very interesting.
everyone’s trying to be someone and say something and be that guy that girl that bitch that one you know and i guess i empathize because ive been there too but god it’s fucking tiring.
i don’t think we were ready for the internet.
or facebook. or this level of connection.
i read somewhere that said we only have the capacity to know and care about our group our tribe our family our village and that the world is too big and too small and now too close.
i don’t know if that’s true or whatever but it sounds correct and if you say it with your whole chest it probably sounds convincing.
i want to change who i am but can i even change for the better anymore. im forty im fucking old. maybe i should stick to soup making and fucking on my daybed because the world seems a little too big for me now.
ive been wearing this shirt i got that says “internet hangover” from this old brand no one cares about anymore and maybe thats my problem you know. im sick of the internet and fake reality. but lets get real i also do kind love the internet too. i met him there you know. so when he’s in my bed and kissing my neck and pulling my hair i only have reddit to blame. but i guess i really did like abba so that must have been it too. always had a thing for the vikings. but maybe i didn’t need the internet to find a lover.
maybe i should delete instagram or throw my phone into oncoming traffic.
i don’t recognize my fingers in my mirror selfies.
