does my ass look fat inside this ocean of grief?

does my ass look fat inside this ocean of grief?

grocery store friday afternoon dinner rush and i pull into the parking lot looking for a pizza and i hear this screaming when i get out of my car in the 40C heat. i can’t figure out if ive finally lost my mind until i see a crow chasing after what appears to be a large brown leaf until i realize its a mouse and a really big one and the crow is pecking at its tail and the mouse is screaming. i watch the crow impale the mouse on its beak and fly off into the sky with the screaming mouse and sit on top of the burger joint and start ripping it to pieces.  i just stand in the laneway of the parking lot watching this shit go down and i probably look like a mental patient.  i look around to see if anyone else is watching this animal kingdom realness take place before me and of course there’s no one around and even if there was people have kids and lives and shit to do and they don’t really like when you point out cool animals. i pointed out the cool black squirrel at the park to a lady who stopped to watch and she called me a retard so that’s neat. i don’t really point stuff out to people anymore. 

i go inside the store and try to grab ahold of myself because surely that’s a bad omen and i should just go home right?  and then i hear some old guy lose his shit at a cashier because he demands to know what kind of salad dressing goes with the deli salad he is holding – strawberries and chicken and feta. the guy is red faced and bellowing, his face a mask of rage. imagine coming unglued over salad dressing. 

also its vinaigrette, numb nuts. 

the cashier tries to explain you can pick the dressing and the dude gets angrier and angrier. 

maybe the mouse outside asked the crow what went best with dirty parking lot French fries and the heat was just too crazy and the crow had had enough and just started pecking. 

the crow is still flinging mouse guts off the side of the burger place when i go back to my car. 

i guess dying in a hospital bed surrounded by your family isn’t so bad, all things considered.  

but i get home from the grocery store and i think about the mouse who died screaming and the crow who ate him and i worry about the crow like i hope that mouse wasn’t poisoned and the crow doesn’t die but like wtf that was a huge mouse and also what the hell was it doing on a parking lot during 40C weather. do crows eat live prey?  never seen that shit before. that seems like a bad omen right. do crows get rabies?  maybe i need a rabies shot just in case. that seems like a shitty way to die too. 

i text pictures of my ass but id rather talk about the crow but I really want to know does my ass look fat inside this ocean of grief?   like plow me through the fucking mattress and all but can i call you when im weepy and the songs on the radio start looking like old polaroids?  hold me down and fuck the light back into my eyes or something. 

have you ever tried to fuck your way through a period of deep sadness?  but then have you ever felt like you should block all the gooner poets on your insta feed who type shitty poetry with one hand and the other firmly jammed down their pants?

have you ever lost your shit so bad you fell in love with someone six thousand kilometres away as the crow flies, across an ocean, and you let that love transform you into a shape you can tolerate seeing in the mirror in the morning?  you know, at least in small doses. 

god, i feel alive, stripped bare and wild, tits out in my bathroom still wearing my cowboy hat. i feel like the sadness and rage and paperwork inside my belly could give birth to a hideous new version of myself and maybe i will because 2026 is the year of no. 2025 was the year of probably not but also fuck yes and 2026 is a firm no, you know the ones where the air gets cold and you wonder if it’s just you feeling it but it isn’t and suddenly you get accused of being mean because saying no to people you’ve only ever bent over backwards for makes them all upset. oh how the turn tables. 

no. i am not gonna be nice anymore. 

no. i am not that girl anymore. 

no. i don’t care what you think. 

you talk mad shit about me behind my back anyways. you hated me anyways so what’s the difference now or does it just make you uncomfortable when i treat you like you treated me. 

no. im not gonna stop talking about it. 

no. im not gonna apologize to your fucking weird girlfriend. she fucking sucks dude and you suck in proximity to her. talk about total aura loss. 

no. im not gonna set foot in that place because i have integrity and ethics. you might not so maybe work on that or go fuck yourself or something. 

my momma raised a people pleaser and im sorry to tell you but my momma don’t pay the bills no more. 

you don’t get to play the victim when i speak the truth about what you did because if you wanna play dirty then let’s take our clothes off and get into the mud together because im not above it. 

hear you talk a big game to the morons who follow you online but i know who you really are underneath all that. i know it. i know you know it. i have seen who you are when the camera is asleep and ive heard what you say too. about fat girls and their bodies. that whole happy horseshit wholesome thing you sell probably wouldn’t be so shiny if people knew about what you think of women and their bodies and their worth. 

same with the scene kids and their zines and deaths from drug overdoses and liver failure. you never accepted me – too weird too fat too native too white too queer too straight too everything. and now look at you. can’t believe i ever saw anything in any of you. i should pity you truly and i guess i do. you hurt me you know. all that bullshit about punk being a family and the metal brotherhood well sweetheart community is everything until it isn’t. 

and most people are out for their own ends and take it from me you will outlive your usefulness to most people in your life eventually. 

the metal brotherhood what a fucking joke. 

this weird illusion that all these scenes aren’t just vehicles to enable narcissists to get supply, and act as hunting grounds for predators and drivers of oblivion and self destruction. hate to be the one to break it to you but you’re not fucking the system if you’re dying because of alcohol you got from the system.  you aren’t sticking it to the man by dying young. the system wants you dead already. 

and the system?  don’t get me started on that crock of shit. it’s all bullshit and we know it deep down but we can’t stop sucking on that sweet dirty ol tit can we?  but what’s the alternative?  i don’t know too many people who would trade their tiktok dopamine machine for simplicity and being kinder to each other. and don’t get it twisted because im suckin the tit right along with you. 

but but but we have to walk tall walk in a good way and with good intentions and that’s great but im menstruating and i wanted to fight a man today on the street just for fun like take my big beaded earrings out real deadly and just scrap it out because he was eye fucking me and licking his lips like a pervert and i hate that shit.  fuckboys fall back and all that stupid shit.  what the fuck is it?  2016?  

don’t you just wanna rip it all down like a werewolf and howl at the moon?  is it my menstrual cycle or is it hot in here?  

and be honest, does my ass look fat inside this ocean of grief?