January 30, 2026
there was once three aquarius birthdays in my family
my grandfather on january 28
he was a german man who came to canada during the war and adopted my mother
not my biological grandfather but the one who raised me up, raised my mother before me
he liked cannabis brownies and ancient aliens and books about history
he rode a motorcycle and worked at the sanatorium on the edge of town
he died frightened and alone during covid at the hospital where icouldn’t see him
but they let me in to see his body after and they called it mercy and said i should be grateful but i felt no gratitude
i did not get to say goodbye
he raised me and i couldn’t say goodbye
then january 29 is me, my mothers breech born daughter
i was supposed to be born on valentine’s day but i guess i hated hallmark from the womb because i kicked my way out in the early morning hours after the challenger shuttle exploded and killed everyone on board
some cultures say that how children come into the world indicates how they will be in life
i came backward and i live backward
i came with my face turned to the spirit world
unwilling to leave, dragged through samsara once again
then january 30 was my father
he always said i was his early birthday gift
his only daughter
the tiny little thing that looked like his mother, and his kokum
he said i was wild like his kokum too
my father liked beer and pickup trucks
liked the canucks and drumming
he was a deeply thoughtful man, a union shop steward passionate about workers rights
he wrote a speech once
grandfather died first
three aquarians became two
then my father died
influenza ripped through him
and he fought valiantly
he fought bravely
and he died anyways
then two aquarians became one
and i am sandwiched inbetween two birthdays
that only occur in heaven now
i blow out my birthday candles thinking about death
and this seems a very aquarius thing to do
the lone aquarius
hospital vespers 