i found home made angel wings in a pile of christmas garbage at the thrift store.
someone made them out of cardboard and feathers and put little LED lights in them
they remind me of twenty years ago when i was young and i would wear angel wings and white dresses and white and pink plastic rosaries to travel in shitty heavy metal vans to go out to fields with my friends and drink and party
i always had a bottle of cheap champagne or a even cheaper rosé and i would run around shrieking like a banshee, screaming out all the rage i had inside
i became “the angel girl”
biblically accurate, maybe – all eyes and wheels, bellowing “be not afraid“
i like these wings, they are silly and make me laugh and feel nostalgic
i burnt christmas candles today that smell like cedar and cinnamon
and i had some friends over for a christmas party
when i was twenty and edgy, we called it “yule”
we would wear white and make wassail and serve home made mead
people would drop acid and one time some australian people showed up with a really fancy tropical fruit tray
they weren’t invited but at least if you’re gonna crash a party, bring something with you
they were really nice and we talked about goats
i’m older now, so no one party crashed, but we shared chocolates and meat and cheese
i made candles for the girls
i wear my angel wings and make jokes and put glitter on my face
in the two years since my father’s death, just before christmas 2023,
this is one of the first times i’ve allowed myself to feel even a bit of joy about the holidays
my girlfriend gives me a candle that smells like sage
i feel normal, just for a while
just a girl having friends over for christmas
we play mariah carey and i dance in the kitchen
joy can be foreign to me
i savour the taste of it in my mouth
it is a change from tasting blood,
when i have spent the last two years, biting my tongue
hospital vespers 