hi. it’s december. december is a really shitty and difficult time of year for me. there’s been a lot of personal losses that i have experienced in the month of december – there’s a lot of death anniversaries, a lot of change and grief all wrapped in the season when everything goes cold.
interestingly, i was first diagnosed with depression in a particularly grey december when i was much younger than i am now. i never really identified with the label of depression, as it seemed to be at the time this kind of in-style way to say on myspace or melodramatic (if you remember that website it’s time for an eye cream and night serum btw) that you’re sad all the time, and for me, it was not always sadness that pervaded me – rather, this running commentary inside my mind of negative, cynical, and deeply critical and self critical thoughts. i was very nihilistic when i was a pre-teen (as many teens and pre-teens can tend to be what with the goth music and the ‘you don’t understand me, mom’ tirades). the truth of the matter is that the issue wasn’t necessarily depression so much as it was undiagnosed autism. i was sad because i was struggling to fit into a neurotypical world that was not built for brains like mine. i was literally and figuratively never really in on the joke and social structuring that makes up our world and i’m still not, but that’s another blog post.. hell, it’s another whole ass blog.
i remember realizing that most other people didn’t seem to have this kind of running shitty background dialogue that i had in my mind when i was in my late teens, and that was how i came to begin my work with cognitive behavioural therapy to change my at the time very negative and self critical thinking patterns. at the time, my therapist worked with me to identify negative thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, and reactions and i eventually got pretty good at picking out which emotions of mine were talking, and why, and i learned to use logic and reason to challenge the way i was thinking.
one thing i found helpful was to personify the negative thinking i had, and i began to speak out loud to my negative thinking and attitude, and i was coached to even say out loud, “stop it”, when i began drifting into a negative pattern, reaction or belief. i began to personify the negative thoughts and always felt like they were two birds on my shoulder, constantly nattering in my ear, like odin’s huginn and muninn except this was the early 2000s so they probably had like.. i dunno fucking wallet chains and jnco jeans or some shit. wouldn’t that be funny if norse gods all got an early aughts makeover and freyja had like butterfly clips and shitty bonne belle roll on body glitter and thor had a caesar haircut with frosted tips? oh you know that himbo would have a caesar do. what about if like loki was all twinked out like at a gay club scene in an old episode of queer as folk? baldur could front some shitty power metal band or play in linkin park. ok i’m getting off track here with this cursed fan cast, anyways.
it wasn’t until many years later that i heard the song “substitution” by silversun pickups and i realized that someone else had done the exact same thing as me in regards to their own negative thinking and depressive thoughts (though in fairness, depression is often referred to as a “black dog” or “dark cloud” following people around) and i felt like, a lot less alone. check it out:
“There’s a vulture perching right off screen
And it’s bitter and whispers chaotic things
And it reached in quick ain’t it worrying
It’s so easy to see, everyone can agree, stop listening
I know you’ve heard it before
But then it wasn’t enough
You don’t wanna be held back from the substitution
I know you’ve seen this before
And now enough is too much
You don’t wanna be set back when the substitution comes
I’m sorry
You’re a marionette in the center of
All the twisting strings coming from above
It may seem too deep to recover from
It’s so easy to see, everyone can agree, just let it go
I know you’ve heard it before
But then it wasn’t enough
You don’t wanna be held back from the substitution
I know you’ve seen this before
And now enough is too much
You don’t wanna be set back when the substitution comes
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
When the voices start spinning just be aware
I have brought enough stones for us to share
That one’s grinning that one’s burning, aim for the throat
Let him choke on the stones that we are to throw
It’s the great downfall
Not the overthrow
If you shoot them down
It’ll make you soar
When reactions turn into hurricanes
And the middle ground seems a little tame
Whether full or empty it’s all the same
It’s so easy to see, everyone can agree, you’re not to blame
I know you’ve heard it before
But then it wasn’t enough
You don’t wanna be held back from the substitution
I know you’ve seen this before
But now enough is too much
You don’t wanna be set back when the substitution comes
I’m sorry”
-“substitution” – silversun pickups, 2009
i love the line about the bitter chaotic vulture, because i always really felt like my negative thinking patterns were these dark birds taking up space on my shoulder and digging into my neck with claws like little razorblades, pinching my skin and making me feel shitty and weighed down and on edge.
as i began to have more success in ridding myself of negative thought spirals, and emotional reactions, i felt like i got some power over my chaotic vultures and they don’t bother me as much anymore, though they still sit on my shoulder from time to time. through some of the later therapy work i did, including IFS, i learned to love the chaotic vultures i carried with me, because they existed to try to keep me safe in a weird and maladaptive way. if i was wary and didn’t trust people and their intentions, i wouldn’t end up hurt again like i always was as an easily fooled autistic child who just wanted everyone as a friend and wanted to sing the theme song to the last unicorn without caring how cringey it was (i did this at a school talent show in like, grade 6 or something and on quiet nights just as i’m about to fall asleep i can still hear the deafening laughter btw and i remember being so hurt of course, and now, it’s like.. haha yea laugh all you want at the dumb half breed girl with glasses and braces singing about unicorns, but i’d rather be that tbh.. i may be cringe but i am free, and i love that part of myself now).
in truth, i actually now credit my chaotic vultures for some of my skill with comedy and my successes with comedy writing and podcasting. but i’ve always been careful that my comedy writing comes from a character perspective, because the negativity that can often make really funny comedy is exhausting to live in 24/7, in the same way that super fake ass toxic positivity can be. my vultures don’t get to speak for me all the time anymore, and that’s ok. i still love them, the old bastards. i drew them, by the way, for this blog post. i’m not a great artist by any means, but i’ve been drawing a lot lately and i think they turned out kind of neat looking anyways. idk.
i think that’s why using different therapy modalities can be really helpful. i used to be really paranoid about having negative thoughts at all, and would do a lot of work to try to ensure i didnt have any. and now, i understand that those thoughts and patterns existed for a reason. it was a bad reason, and it was maladaptive, and eventually ending up causing harm, but, i do see the logic in how my body and brain worked together to create those patterns. trusting people meant getting hurt, over and over and over again, so, create patterns to keep people away, mistrust them, don’t let anyone in. sure. fine. cue years of isolation and alienation etc.
i mean, that’s not a way to live life though, of course. the reality is that life is pain (cue the nihilism, sorry). i used to work with this cute guy and he said that one of the reasons we know we are alive is pain. being with people and having relationships means getting hurt sometimes, but it’s all about risk reward. like for example, love. it’s a risk when you fall in love, right? might not work out, everything might suck, you might get hurt. but at the same time, it might actually work out, you might actually find something special in someone, you might end up not getting hurt. you might, you know, find someone who sits with you, and your chaotic vultures and everything else weird and fucked up about you and instead of judgement they bring vulture food and love.
i used to think i’d never feel love or friendship or all that kind of stuff ever again. i gave up, you know? i just figured i was defective and broken and that the world and all the other good stuff like love and happiness were things made for other people to enjoy and i would be forever the outsider watching from the sidelines with my vultures and bird shit stained jacket.
but the thing is, that’s not true though.
it took me a long time to wrap my head around that and it really only started to hit me in my late 20s and early 30s that i’m going to find my own happiness and my own peace and carve my way through life until i find it or fucking die trying and then at least i tried, you know?
there’s another song lyric i like that applies here:
“if love is a labour, i’ll slave til the end” – ‘swing life away’ – rise against
and i will. and i’ll love my chaotic vultures too, even if it’s work.
and, i love you, of course.
hospital vespers 