November 28. 2025
i dreamed about her again last night, my friend katie who died. maybe it’s because i got a little package from her this week. her husband has been busy selling jewelry she made so those who desire to can have a piece of her very special magick forever.
it’s weird to see the package in the mail sitting unopened on the stairs when i get home from work. i have been having a rough time lately, i feel raw and split open and i both do and do not want to open it because i don’t want to confirm it for myself that the package is from her, but it’s not her.
inside is a note about her life and her legacy and it fucking sucks but it’s beautiful and i cry when i open the pieces of her jewelry that are so delicately wrapped – like the breakable things they are. scott asks if im ok and i say i am i guess but he knows it isnt true so he just hugs me and i cry bitter tears into his sweater that smells like paint and hot glue. he asks me about the pieces even though i know he doesnt care about jewelry, but i dont care about warhammer but at least we share these baffling pieces of ourselves with each other.
i ordered numerous bronze raccoon vertebrae and gift two to my closest people – tom and scott. they both knew who she was and what she meant to me and how much i treasured her and her work. three of us now have these matching pieces of both friendship and mourning.
i can’t talk about katie too much without crying because like, how do i just get over it? she was so young and so bright and so full of life and she wanted to come to canada and maybe we could have visited together. i would have taken her to the victorian era ranch i love, to see the shoes and the old sewing kit and the headstones and the church. maybe we would have dressed up or something. when people die i always end up saying i wish there had been more time.
and i miss her and her messages and the little notes in my endless orders from her shop. it’s not fair you know. i couldn’t wear crosses or other religious symbols for months after she died. how do you make peace with the cold reality of any higher being cutting someone down like that? she was so young.
“de var alla unga” just like erk and academics said in that one song. they were all young.
i miss you, katie.
~
tapestry by katie
hospital vespers 