November 26, 2025
i like to talk about healing and personal work, but make no bones about it, the rage still lingers inside. just below the trauma informed this and CBT that and recognizing and honouring my protector parts, my firemen parts and my manager parts, is this yearning to just go fucking wild and let it all out. fuck pandora and her stupid fucking box, because if i ever truly let go, you wouldn’t have to worry about snakes and ugly things because you’d hear me roaring from across the world and i wouldn’t stop howling until all the people who fucked me over, who took my innocence, who took and took and took again, would be made to feel all the horror and sadness and misery and loss i have felt.
and i know, i know vengeance is anger and i know anger isn’t real because it’s hurt wearing armour. i know it. but for just a second wouldn’t it feel just like really good and poetic and dare i say righteous to make someone feel as small and shitty as they made you feel? you know, for just a second? wouldn’t that be accountability?
wouldn’t that be justice?
does justice even exist or is that just another lie we all tell ourselves so we can cope better with the fact that assholes get famous and cruel people sleep just fine at night? we know all about the just world fallacy and we still cling to it like frightened children to our mothers skirts. we know this world is cruel and indifferent and yet we strive to see the good and maybe sometimes it just isn’t worth looking for.
wouldn’t it feel really good to just let it all out and howl at the moon and become the monster they made you out to be? they already believed i was so why not show them just how monsters behave? wouldn’t it feel good to just say the nasty thing or leave a mean comment?
wouldn’t it?
no, probably not.
because im not like that.
because i was never the monster.
they just said i was.
hospital vespers 