i see an osprey today as i’m drove to go get a hearing test because i’ve been dealing with tinnitus and pain following a particularly nasty bilateral ear infection.
god, i love birds.
i see him sitting up high on a streetlight and he’s watching the drivers below. i wonder what brought him away from the river, his home full of fish. i wonder what brings him away from the nest today. i call him, “baby!”, as i drive by.
i call all the birds and animals i see in my travels, “baby”. “hi baby!” i shout and i want to pet them all and even if i can’t pet them, i want to just watch them, because they are beautiful to me.
i got lost on a phone call talking about how i love that moment when i’ve been watching a hawk for a while – they usually sit up high on the poles of this trail looking into a big gully, and they scan and scan with their sharp eyes looking for a little mousey or some poor little bird, and then there’s this moment, and i swear it’s this breathtaking heart stopping, feeling your breath in your asshole kind of moment when the hawk pushes off the pole, spread his wings, and for a moment is this weightless suspended image of nature’s most beautiful killing machine, and then he dives and god, it’s like in that moment you feel like you’re seeing something so so beyond yourself, like god himself is talking to you.
truly, i feel in such a close proximity to god in those moments. my own entrance, for even the briefest of moments to the divine theatre of life. such a gift to see something so perfect.
i always end up teary eyed and with a dry throat.
seeing the osprey is no different – this big beautiful creature looking a little lost sitting on the streetlight. did he see me as i saw him?
i want to know what he knows.
what does it feel like to dive towards the water? to snatch a fish in flight?
what does it feel like to take something in your claws and tear it into pieces?
holy. fuck. i. love. animals.
i google osprey waiting around for my hearing test to see what’s causing my tinnitus.
i sit in the space age 1950s soviet union ass looking ass sound booth and press the button and repeat the words and the whole time i’m thinking about feathers and claws and eggs and nests.
i want to ask the nice lady who tests my hearing what her favourite bird is, but i don’t, because that’s probably fucking weird. but she tells me my hearing is fine. i said all the words and heard all the sounds and i still have tinnitus and it still hurts.
but i got to see the osprey.
the hearing clinic is right by a thrift shop i like so i go inside and find a vintage sterling silver navajo made turquoise ring for $12 and i feel really really lucky.
turquoise is sacred to native people – representing good luck and protection.
my father used to wear a turquoise ring, when he was young and still had all his hair and wore bellbottoms and had mutton chops. he had this big buckskin jacket with fringe, too.
my dad talked to the birds, too. he liked to admire them, just as i do.
i think about the osprey, and turquoise rings, and my father and tinnitus.
it tries to snow on the drive home.
i’m emotional today. i don’t know if it’s because i will menstruate this week, or because of the osprey, or because of the cold weather.
i regret not asking the hearing test lady what her favourite kind of bird is.
what’s your favourite kind of bird?
hospital vespers 